Happy Winter

In the past year or two, I have learned a lot about myself. I had quite a 2023-24. Over the last 730 days, lacrosse was a pain, I got hurt, I couldn't lift much, I lost my great uncle (the role model/glue of my entire family), I found out my mom had cancer, my childhood dog had to be put down, and my long-distance boyfriend and I broke up. I lost a lot of what I would refer to as the cornerstones of my happiness and values. These are the type of things you lose and realize how short life is and how quickly it can and will be taken from you. I even caved and saw a therapist; I found myself incredibly depressed with no idea what to do. I turned to a lot of unhealthy habits and ended up putting the things I value so much on the back burner. I began to realize that; while I am at an all-time low, the sun is still going to come up tomorrow, and you're still going to have to go to school, work, practice, lift, etc. Everyone else's life was going on and it felt like mine was stuck in a downward spiral. I've never really caught myself broken down so bad.

So, past all the depressing stuff... I realized I needed to work on myself. I started to focus on areas of me that people could not take away: my body, mind, and my spirituality. My body needed fixing, I needed to start listening to it, I had to lose the unhealthy habits and fuel myself with good food and stretching and taking breaks. My mind was always all over the place, I gave up on journaling, I didn't like talking to a therapist or finding out how to fix the problem in anyway but the gym, and I didn't know how to plan my days so I wasn't cramming. My spirituality has never really been on the front of my mind but when you're at a low you start to look to that kind of thing for help all of a sudden, and knowing that this was all happening to me for a reason was beyond me. And pause. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am not very religious, but I can tell you that I found so much peace last year when I found myself meditating and believing in something greater than myself. I turned to prayers and mental growth, and the prayer I found most mind-easing was the serenity prayer..

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

This and some Joe Dispenza meditations helped me to somewhat crawl back into myself or at least put on a happy face when I was with people. I also started box breathing whenever I thought I was overwhelmed or couldn't focus. I can say this hasn't been a very long and consistent journey. It wasn't until about a month ago when I sat with my mom after her surgery that I realized I needed to seriously find myself and make more clear values and goals. Not just make myself feel good temporarily. These little things that hurt really bad (and of course they will and do) were all happening "for me" not "to me". People and animals pass away, family member get sick, and lacrosse will eventually not be my top priority one day. It was almost like a wake up call year.

Something that is starting to help me is living as if I've already achieved who I want to become. My values have changed so much as my life has progressed. After reflecting on my life and the things I've gone through I realized I need to be firm on these values and make them a HEALTHY part of me. I am the daughter of a first-generation American father; I come from a small family with great-grandparents who came to the United States from Trinidad with nothing, but built their way up to something with a family. I have around eight people at my holiday dinners, I have parents who value work, and personal responsibility and prioritize family. My small family has made it through so many traumatizing events and has managed to get through it all together overtime. This made me realize a lot of what I do and who I am is because of them. I work out regularly and constantly strive to be better because I want them to have someone who's healthy, progressing, and someone they're proud of. I want my dad and mom, grandparents, and siblings to realize that everything they've done was worth it. I never settle for content, I want to be better than who I was yesterday and for not just myself but for them.

Realizing that I could do it for someone other than just me surprisingly brought me comfort. And I know all those TikTok's and motivational speakers, and stupid deceptive instagram reels of people yelling at you to "do it for you, not for everyone else", make it seem like that's such an easy place to start. But for me, I know that the "just do it for you" mentality isn't enough when I get the feeling of wanting to be content (lol, in that case "for me" would be justified as laying in bed and doom scrolling for hours until I say "alright that's enough TikTok for today"). I think that taking a step back and seeing where you could be and how much you can accomplish is great, but taking an even further step back and seeing all the people who are proud of you (your family, close friends, etc) and want you to keep doing well, is another great reason to keep growing yourself. When you realize your family (or whomever you find yourself most admired by) is watching you, you realize your not the only one who needs you to do well.

As for lacrosse, I have my moments where I can definitely get down on myself for sure. But I found joy in the process. After realizing that a lot of my happiness depended on how good of a practice I had that day, I realized I need to take a step back again. It's 2 hours of my day. The whole 24 hours don't need to be bad and the only person making it bad was me. I had a bad 2 hours that I let consume my entire 24 hours. So I realized, the happiness shouldn't sprout from me starting every single game, or me being the star on the field. That just wasn't feasible, everyone has their good and bad practices (and I said practice, not days because its 2 hours don't even let your mind think you had a bad day over a practice, your mind can control your mood- positive talk, positive emotions, negative talk, negative emotions). I also realized you can get hurt and lose the game at any time. Finding joy in just playing well, wasn't going to help my mental space in the sport. I get to spend time with people who will probably be my friends for the rest of my life, I get 4 years of competing in a sport I've played for so long (whether it be in a practice or a game), I am helping myself and others get better everyday, forcing myself to not settle, and I'm staying physically fit and keeping myself on a schedule.

Now for lifting. I don't know if there's enough words in the dictionary to explain the joy I feel for this aspect of my life. And unfortunately, this also is a place where I needed to learn to take care of myself. It's unhealthy to workout 25/8, and it's not healthy to go out binge drinking and think that your muscles are going to grow still if you just don't take a rest day Sunday and workout 7 days of the week. Go have fun with your friends, like I said, life is short. But don't sell your gains short. If gains are a priority, make them one. It's okay to go out and party and have a good time, but allowing myself to realize that that is going to slow protein synthesis and may set you back a little is something I had to come to terms with. It definitely made me rethink what I was eating and how much I was consuming on a night out. However, aside from going out and not taking rest days... It's definitely not healthy to let this be the backbone of your overall happiness and it's certainly, 100% unhealthy to believe that you don't need to take breaks because the more you workout, the quicker you'll grow or because you had to much the night before so you need to burn it off. Gains come slowly, growth takes time, growth takes rest, and growth means listening when you're hurting and fueling yourself with protein and healthy meals. Having an 80/20 diet has helped me a ton. While I still have difficulty allowing myself to have a cheat meal. I think that realizing and coming to terms with delayed gratification has helped me. I always just want everything to come so quickly and knowing that I need to take the steps necessary to achieve my goals in lifting brings me a little excitement everyday now. I now just think of every gram of protein and every hard workout and every rest day as me getting a step closer to what I want to look like.

So as I go into 2025, here are five things I am going to keep in mind to continue to grow the things that will never be taken away:

• Life happens for you not to you

• Do it for someone other than yourself, you're family is watching you no matter where they are

• Find joy in the process, instant gratification never leads to long-term happiness

• You are the person who needs to be with you forever, take care of you first; whether that be your mental well-being, your physical fitness, or your overall happiness. Make decisions that will only help that, not hurt that. Don't take steps back.

• Life is short and time isn't promised, make a life worth living

ANYWHOOO.. I am gonna go back to studying now, brain break over. Happy almost finals week!